I am very exciting to be riding in the Floating Hospital for Children at Tufts Medical Center's 13th Cycle of Life! You can follow my training rides on my dedicated blog: LilPecan's Cycle for Life. My pedal pal is Hunter. He is ten years old and was diagnosed with leukemia in September 2000. He is also a cyclist and enjoys swimming and baseball just like me. We even share the same birth month! We have a lot in common. I hope to write a little post about Hunter when I get permission from Tufts. It will be fun if he follows my training on "LilPecan's Cycle For Life." I hope you will, too, and if you can afford it, please give for Hunter and other children surviving cancer with the help of the Floating Hospital's Children's Cancer Center.
This post is for Lily, for Whitney, and anyone else who needs to hear it.
It pains me when I hear of anyone battling depression. I know how hopeless things can seem, how it sucks the life out of you and how, even when your logic center tells you to snap out of it, what an impossible a task that can be. You feel weak for giving into it which only feeds the depression more. When you are in its grip you feel no one understands what you are going through.
With all I’ve experienced throughout my life, I’d have to be a robot or a vegetable to not have undergone periods of depression. What I stated above doesn’t come from something I’ve read but emotions I’ve felt. I accidently discovered how to kick my depression before it takes over my life and haven’t had a debilitating occurrence again. I still get down sometimes but the difference is, I don’t stay there.
I was going through a particularly bad spot in my life. A relationship I was in had just ended, my home life was hell and I was old enough where I should have had something to show for my life but I had nothing. I was miserable. Surely there was no point in continuing. I couldn’t afford the down payment on a new apartment, I could never catch up on everything I had yet to accomplish and I was unlovable. Add that to everything that came before in my life and I was ready to find a cliff.
The morning that changed I remember like a film playing in my head. I managed to crawl out of bed and begin the long trek to work. That I still had a job during this time is miraculous. I rounded a corner and came upon a shop keeper opening his store. He gave me a hearty “Good Morning” and I couldn’t bear to bring him down so I pasted on a smile and replied in kind. I was rewarded with another flash of his great smile. Already I felt my moroseness drying up a little. I made it to the bus stop mulling over how it was possible the fellow could not have noticed what a funk I was in. Maybe he didn’t see me before I rounded the corner? More passengers arrived at the bus stop and greeted me. Rather than behave in my normal grunting fashion I also smiled at them and returned their greetings. The result was more smiles and some cheery small talk. I had the same experience with the Bus Driver when I boarded the bus. The reactions I was receiving from people gave me much to think about during my ride, so much I briefly forgot my legion of worries.
You might ask, “If you had to learn this on your own, how do you think telling me will convince me to try it?” I am hoping you’ll consider the source. I’ve been there. If you have read prior posts you know I lost my parents at an early age and have been homeless several times. That would depress most people. There are other bad things that have happened to me but this post isn’t really about me. It’s about you and trying to help you get over the hump of debilitating depression.
Smile. Smile until it reaches from your mouth to your eyes. It takes a lot of work at first. Pretend you are trying to win an Academy Award playing a happy person. Then watch how people react to you. It is an infection of the best kind. Pour your heart into it. It costs you nothing to try this and the return on investment is phenomenal.
Research has shown some people are genetically or chemically predisposed to depression and other emotional illnesses. I wholeheartedly encourage people to seek professional care if they feel something is wrong with their emotional well being. Medical science is progressing by leaps and bounds with helping people live happy, productive lives through therapy or/and medications. This too is something to be grateful for. Now that science has enlightened us, there is no longer a stigma against depression. There is nothing wrong with talking to a doctor if you feel your emotions spiraling out of your control. You owe that to yourself. You also owe it to everyone who, without intervention, will not have the opportunity to love you at your fullest potential. If you’ve not met them yet, you will, if you give this gift to yourself (and them). Give yourself a chance.
And while you are mulling all this over, don’t forget to smile.
Many people wonder how I ended up as a guinea pig on Twitter. It wasn’t always this way. I used to be a human with a protected account but once I started meeting people at tweet ups and learning more about the connections I could make via Twitter and other forms of social media, I felt like I was missing out by not allowing people to “see me.” I unprotected my account and gained additional followers, many of whom still enrich my life today. The problem is I’m in risk management. My brain sees every possible risk about everything and then evaluates what to do about it, if anything. There is danger in being on line, having your personal identity on line, and speaking with people on line. After much deliberation, I decided to retain my stream, carry on in my same voice but change my name and on line biography.
Amazingly, I did not lose many followers. They had many questions and some still don’t understand why I did it but most of them have stood by me. They even play along which has added a more amusing flavour to my tweet stream. I didn’t start churbling or dancing or talking about timothy hay until my followers started ribbing me about the change.
Now I have a hybrid on-line personality which is part animal, part person. Honestly, I understand the confusion. I don’t “get” people who create an account for their pet. I accept them and will vehemently defend their right to do so but I still don’t understand the reason. Maybe they are shy and want to have an online presence but this doesn’t explain people who tweet as themselves and then switch over to their pet. I don’t understand talking about hairballs, nose taps, “pawparties” or writing entire entries in something similar to Ebonics. Perhaps I am lacking in imagination. When I make up content about prosthetic thumbs and driving to work in my modified Big Wheel it is only to merge life, my comings and goings, with the role I have assumed. In the end, it is still me.
I know this comes off as extra cautious. Many people on twitter are in “media,” social or otherwise. Many are marketing some “thing” or themselves. That isn’t me. My career in no manner works with social anything. We are all about layers of security and protecting your private information. That is a GOOD thing. If I were a writer or a marketer and someone spoke smack about me on line, I’d be giving the opportunity to place that in context for my clients or employer. That is not so in my industry. If they “Google” me and see slanderous things, they will go onto the next contractor or candidate. Anyone who has the least gripe with me can derail my entire future. I don’t kid myself that anyone cares if I can’t make a living or can’t eat. My prior experiences in life show me people primarily care only about themselves when they get into a grove to discredit someone else. I’ve seen it time and again in the media and with people I know.
I captured the above screen shot above to demonstrate my point.This individual accuses me multiple times of cheating and at one point drags into the conversation what she believes to be my profession. It becomes clear the person has an axe to grind because I unfollowed her and she is taking this personally. If I assailed the livelihood of every person who unfollowed me on Twitter, I would not have time to work. But some people don’t think that way. Some people take everything personally and want to lash out and bring down “everyone that done them wrong.” If my name were associated with those tweets, business associates wouldn’t ask me to explain what this is about or where I stand on the accusations. I would just be passed by. If you don’t understand what I am talking about, Goggle yourself and see the silliness that comes up.
I am a guinea pig on Twitter so I can participate in this thing called Social Media. I would rather everyone could learn to play nice but I am currently cynical about that possibility. In the interim, I’m having more fun than I ever did as a human.
The world can be harsh and cold and becomes more so with each passing day. Everyone is looking out for themselves, which would be fine if they were not trampling over everyone else to get what they want.
We live in a world rife with expectations of entitlement. Everyone is entitled to a high paying job that makes them feel good. They are entitled to government benefits if they are sick or sad. They are entitled to good health care. They are entitled to have the police show up if someone has done them wrong. They are entitled to owning a home. They are entitled to being loved just for existing. I am not sure when all this entitlement began. I guess one could trace it back to the government programs after the Great Depression and around World War II. But back then, it seems, no one asked for anything they had not previously worked to earn. Now no one feels they have to DO anything to be entitled to everything.
The unfortunate reality is no one is entitled to anything and the sooner one realizes this, the more pragmatic a person can be about their decisions in life and the happier they will be. Everything is a risk. I can start a new job and work for a week and never get a paycheck. What would I do? I would not keep working for that business. Next I could sue them and report them to the appropriate state agency. The appropriate state agency may do something to get me my pay but maybe they won’t. It depends on how much proof I have that I worked for the business and how well the business can deny it. As for a law suit, I have not been paid and law suits cost money so if I do not have any savings than I am SOL. I can sulk at how unfair life is or I can chalk this up to another lesson learned and find myself a new job. Someone can stab me to death as I walk down the street. Perhaps there are no witnesses. No one is punished. Perhaps there are witnesses but no one will talk. No one is punished. Maybe someone sees the act and does the right thing by testifying to what they saw. Then I am lucky that the killer is held accountable. I am not entitled to retribution and remember, in this scenario, I am still dead.
Some might say this is a dim view of the world but I’ve never viewed pragmatism as dim. A pragmatic view of the world keeps one sane and averts paralysis. I don’t live my life expecting someone to kill or cheat me but I keep my eyes open to the possibility and make deliberate choices to avert this. Since I don’t view my brother as my keeper, I do what is necessary to support myself and plan for catastrophic events (illness, natural disaster, loss of income, among other things). I don’t judge myself based on my neighbor’s behavior because I am not my neighbor. If he does not work, I am not going to refuse work until he “pulls his load.” I don’t say, “That’s not my job” when something needs to be done, I know how to do it and have the resources to do it.
I am aware I live among others and owe them a duty as I well as the one I owe myself. This is not Kansas and I’m not Dorothy. I might wince when the first work week of my month goes to taxes but I know I have to pay for the roads I drive on and my unfortunate neighbor. I shrug this off because it is the right thing to do. I am paying attention to where my dollars are going. I am voting my conscience. I am writing this post. I am hoping my thoughts make others think and do some of the same but I am pragmatic about that, too.
I’ve been mulling this post over for weeks. I know I am making myself a target by even writing it but as I concluded back when I started to encourage the bullies to beat me up instead of the younger kids, “As long as they are beating me up, they aren’t beating someone else up.”
I know my life philosophy is different than many, even other Republicans but it is borne from my life experiences. You may want to keep this is mind if you are reading this. I represent only myself and my opinions are not necessarily representative of those of the party to which I belong.
Both my parents were members of the Democratic Party. I am a very younger sibling to their first four so I remember being at various Democratic campaign offices as a child because there was no one to sit for me. My Father was retired military, a veteran of two wars and my Mother the first generation of immigrant citizens. They were also very young children during The Great Depression. My Father, a self employed carpenter, died when I was thirteen. My Mother, a Mental Health Worker for the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, died when I was twenty two. Both died of cancer before they could retire. I only say all this to give you an idea of the values and lessons they likely passed on to me. It would take a book to elaborate on what these are.
If you have read my earlier posts you know I was homeless after my mother died. I was young, just starting out, and had spent all my savings while on a leave of absence from work, to care for my dying mother. I was very thankful and lucky that my employer let me come back after my mother’s death. My manager knew I had no place to live but withheld judgment since I always showed up to work on time, clean, appropriately dressed and ready to fulfill my responsibilities. It wasn’t an easy time in my life. I looked around to see if there were any programs to help me get back on my feet. All I wanted was a loan for three months rent (first month, last month and a month security deposit). I was gainfully employed, ready and able to pay back a loan. There were not any programs set up for this. I could get a handout but only if I were: battered; a woman with dependent children; physically handicapped; mentally ill and/or a substance abuser or homeless AND unemployed. Just to make sure I understood I asked, “If I quit my job, I’d be eligible for assistance?” This was answered affirmatively.
Whoa. The idea of giving up my employment, the one thing keeping me going, in order to receive a hand out is and was anathema to me. It didn't make sense to me then and doesn't now. I couldn't even get into a shelter because they locked them down before I could get there from work. I welcome someone who can explain to me how it is beneficial to encourage people to drop out of productive society in order to get back on their feet.
For over ten years I juggled trying to keep a roof over my head, some times narrowly succeeding and sometimes failing - never getting far enough ahead to feel stable, settled. Even now, I know how quickly it can all be gone. Through mistreatment by employers and crimes committed on me because I had no "status" and therefore no defense, I've survived. In retrospect, I’m grateful I had that opportunity to grow and learn.
I’ve also spent years in the non-profit sector – consumer advocacy, credit counseling, arbitrating and pro bono legal work. It feels good to help others. If you’ve never tried it, you should. Unfortunately this also taught me a more than I wanted to know about human nature and politics. There is a sizable portion of the human population who think they should be able to get things for free and as a result, be better off than those people giving them free services. What is wrong with that picture? When I was a consumer advocate I met many people who lost tens of thousands of dollars on get rich quick schemes where the secret to getting rich was preying on others. Is it any wonder they were prey? I am not talking subtle con games where it is hard to tell where the money is going to come from but schemes where it is obvious they are going to find “chumps” to earn money from. If that is not an insight into human nature, I’m not sure what is.
As a credit counselor right after the last recession, I was responsible for analyzing people’s debt, income and life situations to formulate a plan to help cash strapped people get back on their feet, financially. This position was also an eye opener. I found the largest reason otherwise responsible and hard working people incurred debt is due to unexpected health emergencies. It is easy to sympathize with that plight but the other primary reason for people getting in over their head was living beyond their means. It is the second sort who were most likely to complain they still had to pay back some of the debt they incurred. My usual way of dealing with their complaints was to ask them what they bought on unsecured credit and the answers were stereo equipment, large screen televisions, dinners out, etc. – to my ears, unnecessary garbage. To those who balked that I could only control their interest and fees but not alter their principal I clucked sympathetically and asked if they were willing to return their goods, minus depreciation of course, to the bank. That shut them up every time.
I later sought a career that suited my skill set, was resilient in a bad economy and would not leave me living hand to mouth. I found it in insurance and law. Let me say straight off I dislike insurance companies and some lawyers for the same reasons many other people do but seeing it from the inside is fascinating. I loved being able to help someone who was seriously injured get back on their feet and back into life. I hated when I had to make people jump through hoops to get what they rightly deserved but I learned it was other people who made the system that way – not insurance companies. I’ve seen people who sprained an ankle, at work or in an auto accident, take two years to heal. This is not an exaggeration – I’ve seen the x-rays, MRIs, EMGs and there may be swelling and bruising, but it subsides. Still, if one keeps saying they are in pain and a doctor is still willing to treat them, it can go on and on and on. Beats working, right?
I could go on but you are already wondering, “What’s your point?”Through all this I learned modern humans like being taken care of and there is a segment of the population who likes taking care of them. A portion of the species are happiest when they can get the most amount of gain from the least amount of expended energy. Just look at the number of “get rich quick working at home” schemes on Twitter. To make matters worse there is a segment of the population encouraging this behavior. People are trying to be kind and sometimes they are but other times they are enabling a weaker segment of our race. I’m all for a hand up but not so much a hand out. I’m all for giving people the tools to make themselves better rather than the tools to make up more excuses why they can’t be.
I don’t have much use for government and the government of BOTH major parties has shown it does not have much use for me. But Republicans encourage my industry and don’t lie to me by making empty promises that they will care for me if I need caring for. I believe our government should be our guide and not our complete means of support. I believe in the U.S. Constitution, limited interference from the federal government and states rights.
Think you know me now? I also don’t think the federal government belongs in our bedrooms. If my meaning is not obvious enough to you - I don’t believe the federal government should be determining reproduction, marriage or morals beyond those basics covered in our constitution. I believe moral behavior is best taught at home according to one’s own culture and religion. I believe this is what our forefathers intended and the First Amendment of our Constitution reinforces.
Presently both the major United States parties are ticking me off. My own party gets my goat in violating one of their original core principals by trying to use the federal government to legislate morality. The Democratic Party has me peeved with their bailouts. Mostly it is individual members of each party who are so set in their ways that they can’t speak, DON’T WANT TO SPEAK, with each other. They seem to have forgotten we are all part of the same nation and as such, it is the progress and success of our nation we should work together to fulfill.
So flame away, all of you. The right can tell me I am going to hell in a hand basket and the left can tell me I couldn’t understand what it is to be underprivileged because, being a Republican; I obviously live a life of great means in my ivory tower. Flame away.
This post grew out of several simultaneous conversations I had on Twitter on the morning of Friday March 27th, 2009. It began with me asking: Is Follow Friday almost over?
Before I go any further, please allow me to reiterate something I stress on my Twitter homepage: I am NOT a social media expert. I’ve never pretended to be a social media expert and never will be. The opinions on this blog are my own, until you comment. I welcome hearing from you. I learn the most once I step away from the keyboard and listen to you. Also, I will use no names in this post. I’m aware the comments can be researched but I’m not sure the names are relevant.
Here is a taste of the responses I received to, “Is Follow Friday almost over?”
X: LOL! No such luck, Sweetie! We need to invent a really strong breakfast cocktail, a Follow Friday, to help us make it through!
Y: Now that websites exist that are showing #FF rank (can you believe it?), I see it going on indefinitely. It should've been 1 week. Pecan: Even one week a month would have been fine but 52 times a year?! *slams head on water bottle*
Z: I think it just started. You don't like follow friday? Pecan: It started many weeks ago.* I liked it when it was a novelty. It is good to appreciate 1's followers. But not lists & lists every week. *Follow Friday was started on January 16th, 2009 by Micah Baldwin.
X: The dirty little secret about Follow Friday is that people--even the people who tweet them--ignore them. Pecan: What is so secret about knowing people do the same thing I do?
X: The point is that people who play that dastardly little game seem to think they are helping others to build numbers, but no. Pecan: I think they are (helping) among the newbies. People with lighter streams are the only ones with time to read those lists.
B: Agreed. It detracts from the 'special' of it in a way that birthdays would be less special if they were celebrated every month. Pecan: Then you understand what I mean. I'm not against #followfriday. I just don't think it should be EVERY Friday.
C: Sometimes I feel like rebelling and listing my recommendations on a different day, so people might actually read them.
Hopefully from the above you can discern I like the idea of showcasing the people I follow but I don’t like the frequency with which this is done. To me, the more I see of one thing, the more it appears as static in my tweet stream. I am also disheartened when I see a tweet that lists nothing but a group of user names preceded or followed by #followfriday. This does not tell me why the tweeter thinks their recommendation should be followed. Maybe it is enough that I am following the person who tweeted it to my stream? Maybe that should be enough but I am still getting to know some of the people I follow and this takes time. I value the tweets that tell me something about the person being recommended – they are funny or wise or kind, a talented developer, a great writer, or a tremendous humanitarian. I’ve since learned I am out of touch.
A new follow contributed to the conversation: Mentor: Re #followfriday- then you have missed the point Pecan: Why don't you educate me then? Mentor: It would take too long to do properly: short version - Friday occurs once a week, ergo Friday Followers follow once/week . Logic? Pecan: If it would take too long to explain on Twitter, why don't you write a blog post about it as a service to the rest of us? Mentor: I don't have a blog site, but if you u really don't get it, I'm happy to place some advice on yours. Pecan: If I can find the time, I'll write a post about #followfriday and you can educate me and the rest of us there. Mentor: My pleasure...and yours, I'm sure. Deadline???
I’ll admit that last tweet tweaked me because I said I would write a post “If I can find the time” only to find myself being asked about a deadline. I do feel manipulated into giving up time to get this out of the way during the busiest part of my month. (Please don’t get any ideas because that won’t work again.) The benefit to getting this out of the way is, I will hopefully soon know where my thinking is flawed. Now it is your turn.
This past Monday, January 5th, 2009, I heard with interest Tufts Medical Center would no longer accept Blue Cross Blue Shield as medical insurance because negotiations had broken down regarding reimbursement rates. Among the plethora of things I am interested in are medicine, insurance and negotiations so this whole story is right up my alley. I’ve also been employed in positions that have involved some or all of these subjects at one time or another. I am not a stranger to the health care system (though, thankfully, usually not as a patient), insurance, medical coding and billing and negotiations both independently and with health care facilities.
I understand there are always two sides to every story so I was prepared to find Tufts asking for an unreasonable increase in reimbursements but when I looked into it further I was shocked, dismayed and then impressed that Tufts Medical Center has even been able to survive in the health care climate in Massachusetts. The odds have been heavily stacked against them.
In 1993 Massachusetts General Hospital and Brigham & Women’s Hospital agreed to join forces for the sake of efficiency. Or so they said at the time but having not actually merged, there was no discernible increase in efficiency.This merger was the birth of Partner’s HealthCare. Over time Partner’s absorbed Faulkner Hospital, McLean Hospital, Newton Wellesley Hospital, North Shore Medical Center, Shaughnessy-Kaplan Rehabilitation Hospital and Spaulding Rehabilitation Hospital. They also spawned Rehabilitation Hospital of The Cape and the Islands.
The piece de resistance occurred in 2000 when Dr. Samuel O. Their of Partners and William C. Van Faasen of Blue Cross Blue Shield of Massachusetts brokered a gentlemen’s agreement to increase both the cost of health care and the reimbursements from insurance. Since 2000 Blue Cross Blue Shield of Massachusetts has increased the amount it pays Partners Health Care by 75 percent. Partners also pressured Tufts health insurance and Harvard Pilgrim Health Care to provide similar increases. What started as a merger to increase efficiency and lower costs has grown into a huge capitalist venture between an insurance corporation and a health care ”non-profit” organization.
When arguing against agreeing to Tufts Medical Center’s nine percent reimbursement increase request Blue Cross Blue Shield points out that Tufts is not as formidable as facilities such as Massachusetts General or Brigham & Women’s but the irony is that Blue Cross Blue Shield colluded to make them that way.Blue Cross Blue Shield’s argument is not even much of an argument when you consider Tufts has one of the largest heart transplant centers in the area, gives exceptional service to patients who are, on a whole, sicker than those in other facilities and trains more primary care physicians than any other hospital.
The Boston Globe obtained rate information from Blue Cross Blue Shield of Massachusetts showing that Tufts Medical Center is paid 35 percent less than both Brigham & Women’s Hospital and Massachusetts General Hospital and 19 percent less than Beth Israel Deaconess. Lest you think this difference is because Tufts is a teaching hospital, all three of those facilities are teaching hospitals for Harvard Medical School.
From all my reading on this matter I have reached one major conclusion: Partners HealthCare and Blue Cross Blue Shield of Massachusetts started this avalanche that is now our nation’s health care crisis. Hand in hand, Partners has increased the cost of treatment while Blue Cross Blue Shield of Massachusetts has caused a raise in premiums from every insurer in order to keep up the pace of paying for it. My conclusion is only an opinion but if you start reading up on this, I think you are likely to draw the same conclusion.
As a nation, we need to work to find a solution to this crisis. We need to find a way to decrease the bureaucracy and paper work for our doctors and nurses so they can do what they do best – save lives. In the interim, until there is a solution, Blue Cross Blue Shield needs to treat Tufts Medical Center by the same standards as they treat other comparable facilities. Blue Cross Blue Shield needs to get back in the business of assuring access to quality health care rather than creating monopolies. You can afford it, Blue Cross Blue Shield. Show Tufts the money.
I am just an ordinary girl trying to absorb as much knowledge from this life as I can. What I learn, I pass on to others. I also try to do as much good as I can along the way.
I am very exciting to be riding in the Floating Hospital for Children at Tufts Medical Center's 13th Cycle of Life! You can follow my training rides on my dedicated blog: LilPecan's Cycle for Life. My pedal pal is Hunter. He is ten years old and was diagnosed with leukemia in September 2000. He is also a cyclist and enjoys swimming and baseball just like me. We even share the same birth month! We have a lot in common. I hope to write a little post about Hunter when I get permission from Tufts.
